Silent Struggles: The Unspoken Grief of Infertility
May 01, 2024 12:00AM ● By Christel Hutter
Photo by Pixabay for pexels.com
It is the day of Ireland’s appointment. She has been waiting for this day for a long time. She is full of hope, praying that the fertility drugs are working. The appointment is going well until it is time for the ultrasound. She watches the technician mark areas on the screen like last time. The doctor confirms her suspicions. The fertility drugs grew invasive tumors like last time, along with an abundance of endometriosis, and they would need to be surgically removed again. Her heart sinks, and she begins to cry uncontrollably.
Christel Hutter is a life coach for childless women and owner of Inner Divine Wellness. It is her mission to help women through their grief, trauma and loss of childlessness to live a thriving, purpose-driven life. Many women are childless not by choice. Each woman deserves to be seen, heard, uplifted, and their feelings validated in a safe community and environment. Hutter can be contacted at [email protected] or by visiting InnerDivineWellness.com.
This type of heartache is overwhelming. The dreams of motherhood are dashed. News like this fills the heart with anger, sadness, frustration and hurt.
The grief and loss that comes with infertility seep into every orifice of the body. The heaviness of it all can be felt deeply. It is a physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally exhausting ride.
The waves of sadness and guilt can last a long time and create disconnect and loneliness from everyone and everything.
Grief is defined as the response to a loss, commonly a loss of a person or living thing that has died in which a bond was formed. The latter half of this definition is where infertility grief lies.
To expand on this, when a woman decides to have a baby at any age, she begins to imagine life with that child, hopes and dreams of that child, perhaps what that baby would look like, thus beginning to establish an emotional connection to the idea of a future little miracle.
Society enhances the expectation of women that having children is a normal and a natural progression of life in order to be happy and fulfilled. Society also indicates it is easy to conceive. Yes, it is easy for some. Some women look forward to the pregnancy, the birthing process, and the stages of parenting, further solidifying attachment to the dream of motherhood.
When it is discovered that infertility stands in the way of all those hopes and dreams, grief begins to bubble. Those gut-wrenching feelings that are experienced from the ups and downs of infertility and/or fertility treatments are grief waving its hand, and most often women may not even know it. This grief is real, normal, appropriate and legitimate. This loss, though less visible than some, deserves to be mourned all the same.Women have a right to share, release, and talk about this heartbreak. This is a grieving process that so many women do in silence and isolation.
Infertility is still a topic that is greatly stigmatized. Our culture needs to do better at educating the public and supporting women going through fertility treatments, infertility and subsequent grief and loss. The desire for a baby is so strong women put their bodies through hell with fertility pills or shots, invasive procedures or surgeries to “fix” the internal problem. If the results that they are praying for don’t occur, they are left with empty arms and broken hearts. A supportive network is vital to unload all of the trauma, grief and loss. Family and friends need to have these uncomfortable conversations in order to better support their loved ones.
Infertility grief, is known as disenfranchised grief. This type of grief is not societally recognized or acknowledged, and it does not get closure with the customary funeral, or people sending flowers, cards, visiting, or bringing food. This can make the loss feel invalid or insignificant; leading woman to feel alone, turn inward and isolate from everyone and everything she loved and enjoyed.
As a childless woman who has gone through this, I wish I had a support system to turn to. My words of encouragement for the person grieving and reading this is to reach out for support instead of suffering in silence. As the support system, reach out to a loved one who may need your shoulder to cry on.
